safety...

I am convinced that ALL that You want of us is to come to You.
With our hurts..
with our shames
with our secret sins
with our lies
with our deceit
with our wrongs
with our pain...

I am convinced that if Adam and Eve had gone to You in the garden after they had sinned, they would have seen and known the love and compassion that You have for them, Your beloved.. and would have embraced them in their imperfection.

I am convinced that things would have been different for us all..

I am convinced that the enemy knows the power in us having the freedom to go to You knowing You will embrace us and not be disgusted with us... and so he keeps us in sin... in shame.. in fear of "what will people think of me.  what will God think of me.."

Hence why we live in a world that it is IMPOSSIBLE to not keep a secret from loved ones.  It is too easy to delete that text message, email, or picture.. It is too easy to say we are one place when we are actually another.. it is too easy to set up or arrange a meeting with a friend, temptation, or destruction without anyone knowing or believing that we aren't home, at work, or in bed sleeping alone.

God, how do we get the message across that You will NOT be disappointed, and that You just want us to RUN to You with the things that are making us run FROM You.  How can we make the world see the importance of being real with You and with the people that love us to over come.

Is it possible to say to someone, "I am using drugs again, and I'm not ready to get further help, but because I love you I want to share this with you.  Please stand by me"
or "I am seeing that person again - and I'm sorry it hurts you, but because I love you I need to tell you and ask you to stand by me".
or "I'm talking to him/her behind your back because it makes me feel good.. and I need to know I can trust you to tell you this.. to stand by me".

Am I wrong in this?  Am I expecting people to do the impossible?  God, You call us to great challenges, but when it comes to standing by others, we seem to say - no.. they are on their own.  I have to live my own life and they have to live theirs.

God - I know the verses in the bible that talk about that, but what about the ones that talk about holding each other up.. and accountable.. and helping each other through this life.. that we can't do it alone..

God, help me to have strength, compassion, and understanding for those who want to be free.. want to be real.. and don't want to be judged.  I want to see things fall off of people.. but i feel we can't do it alone..

Help me to understand what YOU want Jesus.

amen..

Memories

When you looked at her did you think of me
Oh how the page has turned.
When you see me there do you wish it could be
The one who's memories can't be burned

Was it my fault because I couldn't hold your attention or your hand
When you see the years and pain on my eyes
Do you want to run or stand

Wondering what kind of love this is
It's as perfect as we are
How to erase the many visions
Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is so hard.

What is love
Why does it hurt so bad
I can imagine this life with you
I remember the life we had

I want to forget the past
Move on without another thought
Can you promise me it will last
Or will u once again get caught.

I see the best in you
Better than you will ever know
But can you see it too
And live a life to show

The better man
That I can see
But wondering
Is it who YOU want to be

Breakdown

Wow. God.
Help

I don't know where to start but I know the pressure is on BIG time. I need help. I need you. I'm hurting something fierce in some areas of my heart. I'm seeing that I'm very very resentful lately of a lot of people. Angry. So much anger. So much frustration. I feel like I have pussy footed around for so long trying to make everyone happy. And frankly I'm sick of it. It really doesn't matter bc in the end you get slapped anyway. No one appreciates it. The support. The encouragement. You are left wondering why someone says or does something so hurtful. After all the time of trying to love support encourage uplift and do what you thought was right. God I feel so much pressure. So many areas. Family. Relationships. Work. Church. Personally. I just want to explode constantly. What is happening in me? I don't like it. AT ALL. I need help. I need your eyes. I need your grace and mercy. I need to know you. I need to depend on you. Yet I don't even know how right now. God I'm hurting so bad inside. What's going on? Can you help calm my anxious heart?

Daddy, fix it

My prayer. My constant prayer to Him is "Daddy fix it" 

I don't feel a lil girl needs to beg her Daddy
I don't think a daddy ever wants his lil girl to beg..

I'm not asking God for anything that's not good for me. But I keep asking Him... Daddy fix it. And I don't understand why in response I feel I have to struggle so bad with doing my part. I don't want microwave miracles. I don't want to run from anything. I just want pure honest open hearted child like faith. I see things that r enough to move mountains. And I see things that end up being a stick of dynamite in an attempt to blow the mountain up. 

The bible says to come to Him to present our requests. To have faith as small as a mustard seed to believe and not doubt to surrender to hold on to trust and to let go. I feel I have done all of the above. So I come to Him in child like faith. In humble surrender and say fix it. And I don't understand how a Daddy can make His  lil girl wonder. Question. Doubt. And live in fear. 

I have been walking w Bella around Hudson valley after leaving mom and dads and i just feel overwhelmed and pulled all over. And all I keep saying is Daddy fix it. 

As a father. If I come to my dad and ask him that? Wont he do whatever he can? 

I know I'm not perfect.  And one thing He showed me the other day that I have never understood or been able to grasp is no matter what. No matter what. My child. Don't EVER stop coming to Me again. No matter how wrong u feel. No matter how much u feel off course. No matter how shamed of who u are or the choices u make. Don't ever stop coming to Me. I think there is something to be said about Adam and eve hiding from Him in the garden bc of their shame. I wonder if maybe.. Maybe if they had gone to Him  w their "oops". Maybe things would have been different. Who knows. But i feel like He just wants us to come to Him. No matter what. And the world runs from Him bc we are so ashamed of who we are or what we have become. And the enemy keeps us ashamed bc he knows that as soon as we turn back to our Daddy his words mean nothing. We feel we are doomed.

So sI come to Him. Even in my wrongs. And I ask him as a daughter... Daddy fix it. Fix my broken heart. My messed up mind. Fix the man that I care about so deeply, yet it isn't "clicking" with enough to want to whole heartedly REFUSE all that has ruined his life for so long..i know he is seeking.. i know he is striving.. i know he is trying.. in his own strength.. can't you just break through?... Fix my daddy. Fix my mommy. Fix this situation we are in. Daddy. Fix it. Show me how to let You fix it. Bc my heart hurts Daddy and I want U to fix it. Fix all of it. I think all of the above are willing but no one seems to know what You are willing to do. 

Daddy, fix it. 

numb

numb..
my heart is numb.
Trying hard to be stronger
Don't know how much longer
I can take it

afraid to do one thing
or say another

hold on tight?
or let go forever

Wondering why the only one who can't see is him
wondering why he can't see the place that he's in

wanting to stand by his side
but knowing he will never open his eyes

hurting knowing he's hurting
and hurting from the choices he makes

Messing up in my attempts
to teach this man about grace

aching...
my heart is aching..
standing firm through the words
embracing the hurt
yet making things worse.

Wanting to be
an example of mercy

of strength and dignity
of love and forgiveness

but sometimes people are too blind
sometimes people don't take the time

hoping i can hold his hand into Yours
wanting to know that he feels safe and sure
afraid for him to fall
to not have anyone to call

the things i see when i close my eyes torment me in my sleep
the things i feel when i open my heart now run so deep
want to let go
giving it all that i've got
but him bringing more in
erases all i forgot

Help..
God Help
I want to show him so bad
You.. not me.. but I'm afraid of how he gets mad

i want to release him to you
I want to hold on to him too
not for my gain
but to ease his pain
and why doesn't he get it

i know what i have
i know who i am
but hearing these things
again and again

robbing me more
or making me stronger
how will i be able
to embrace this much longer

when will he see
what he means to me
when will he see
how easy it can be
god teach him how
to finally be free

does he know deep down
can he see inside my heart
can you make him realize
knowing his pain tears me apart

"you don't understand
what I feel inside"
i hear it again
and it kills me inside

I do understand
i hurt for you too
but I can't let
you do this to you..

I love you.. i care.. i hope for the best
i'm wondering when i have to lay it to rest

Afraid

Afraid to love again My heart had once been broken in two I look back and I think- how could I have thought his love was true? How could I have allowed myself to be used, allowed him to make me feel so much pain, become afraid to love again...? But then you came into my life. I couldn't help falling in love. I never loved anyone this way before . this love that we share means so much more But, yet I'm still hesitant to let you into my heart, afraid you'll just take it all apart. Tears rolling down my eyes, hoping, praying that what you're telling me aren't lies, hoping I can read between the lines. I'm contemplating whether your love is real 'cuz it's hard to tell the way someone really feels. I'm afraid to let you in my life, afraid to love again. yet, i still let you in... ©2007-Eternity

When there is none of me... There is more of you.

God how long.. How long must this heart have to break. Have to hurt. Have to live in fear. God where are you. Do you know and understand my aching heart. How badly I want to be free. How much I want to be justified. How much I want others to see. How much I want especially one to see. When do you break through. I have tried to get out of the way. And I've tried to be there. Jesus help me. I don't know how to make him see my heart. I don't know how to do anything right anymore. God I mess up so so much and I admit that. God I want you. I want more of you. I want more of who you are and less of me. I'm so scared of me. There is none of me left and I crave and so desire you to come and fill me. Come and fill me god. Come and fill me with your life. Your love. Your strength. God come and fill me wholly with you. Let this be something of great glory to you. From glory to glory. I don't wana be fake anymore. I don't wana be empty anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. God I simply want so much more of you. I want to be a reflection of you and who you are. In a way unlike any other. God I want my love for you and my relationship with you to literally pour out to break strongholds just by me being me through and with you. I don't feel called to casts out demons by screaming at people but I feel led to love people with your love and grace and mercy and by such an outpouring of you, people will want more of you. Jesus.... Be the you in me that you want the world to see.

Void

Does anybody hear me
Does anybody hear my crying heart
Hear it whisper when you're near me
Hear it breaking hear it crumbling apart

And I know theres just one remedy
But sometimes it's not fast enough for me.

Be my high to pull me out from this darkness down below
Be my drink when I am empty sitting in this place alone
When I rebound to another let the other one be You
My heart is craving something and nothing else will do...

The pain is too deep
Wishing I could just forget
And yet I want to believe
Believe in it and hope for the best
(repeat)

How do I move forward and stop looking back
How do I trust and open up again to you
How do I let go of things I never meant to have
How do I believe in all you say your gonna do
Am I really special to u?

Pushing..

I can sense the pressure ... on all four walls of the room I will call my heart.  I feel the pushing.. this intense pushing in that cannot be resisted no matter what attempt I try to push back.  And I can't figure out what it is that is pushing.  I can see the walls closing in tighter.. and I can feel it.  I can feel it as if I were in a huge crowd with thousands of people - all trying to get to the same place by going different directions.  The pushing.. the weight of their pushing is almost unbearable.  Do I push back?  Do I get overtaken?  Do I sink to the ground thinking the pressure will be less, but knowing the trampling of feet will just stomp the remaining life out of me?

I can't figure out what this feeling of anxiety is that is overwhelming my heart, but I can't seem to escape it.  I have prayed for everyone...
"God, whatever is happening to Tim right now, I ask that You are with him in this situation - and give him peace and support.. and give him comfort knowing how badly I want to help be there to comfort and support and encourage Him"

"God I pray for Tara and her situations that are currently out of her control but have never left Your hands.  God I thank You for peace that passes ALL understanding in her life right now".

"God, I love Sara and the heart You have for her, and I want You to move on behalf of the hurts in her heart.  God she has a heart of gold, as Tim once said.. and I want You to make that gold so shiny... I want You to bring forward healing in her heart.. toward the precious heart that she has..."

"God - if Colorado is You - again.. show me.. show us.. God I'm so scared.. and I know I need not be afraid.. but I am... I am afraid of Your plans.. good afraid.. bad afraid.. God just help me to trust You above all else.. above all else.."

God I'm so ready for more of You.. Help me to find my peace in You.. my calm from the storm in You.. God... it is all about You.. nothing else.. nothing more.. nothing less.. just You.. and I crave this.. and I want this.. and I long for this..

Eclipse

Hey God...

it's me again..

God I want to know.. do You really know my heart?  Like really really?  I struggle so much with my mess ups.  I do.. and I hate it.. I hate those parts about me.  I know I am human.  I know I am nothing without You.  I KNOW my heart and motives.. but do You?  Do You know the times I think I get in over my head?  Do You know the times when I do the wrong thing, hoping it will bring about the right outcome?  Do You know how much my desire to please and make people happy sometimes causes an "oops".. sometimes causes You to be disappointed?  I am so sorry.  I don't mean to hurt You - or anyone.. ANYONE.. especially those that I love.  I so badly want to do the right thing.. and I so often get so mixed up.  and I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry to You.  I'm sorry to them.  One thing I know for certain is that I don't lack in the area of admitting my wrongs (even when I'm not wrong) and saying sorry.  I say sorry so much I get yelled at for it, and then I apologize for saying sorry.  God I want to be pure.  I want that pure heart to shine through.  I want You.  I hate how I've messed up.  and I hate how the enemy holds that over my head.  even when i know the whole situation.  even when I know You.. even when I know we worked through it - You forgave me.  You redeemed me.. You let it go.  Why do I still hold onto it.  Sometimes the voices.. the things I heard stating that I did this or that.. even when I know they aren't the truth.. sometimes they come on so strong.  so loud.. even when I know in my heart that I have loved the best I could.  even when I know nothing I have done has made a difference.. God help me to believe that through it.. through my mistakes and through my victories.. that You will shine through..

God it is so hard sometimes to wonder why the pain and suffering has to come from making a choice to trust You.  I know You understand this in the sacrifice of Your Son.  I can't even imagine - knowing the suffering we experience is so minor in comparison.  But God, I want to CHOOSE to trust that Romans 8:28 is true.. when You said that ALL things .. ALL things.. work together for the GOOD of THOSE THAT LOVE YOU.  God - I am trying.. and I am believing.  and I want ALL of that to be a reflection of You.  I want to trust that like mom and I said yesterday... the light that shines FROM You IN me is just that.. it's You.. God sometimes you ask us to step out of the way so that YOUR light can be revealed... it's almost as if we are a solar eclipse.. we stand in the way of the "Son".  and the Son shining around the moon is in fact brilliant, but it is so minor in comparison to the true shine of the Son. and God - as hard as it is to come to terms with knowing we have to get out of the way - God I ask that YOUR light shines true and through.  I thank You for always standing behind, beside, and near to me.. and I thank You for the times when You say.. ok Ang.. I need to shine through to this one now.. I need to show My light... and I need You to step out.. for your good.. for My good.. and for the good of those You love..

God help us to trust You more.. in our victories and in our mistakes.. please..

nothing good comes without a fight.

I'm wondering why it appears so hard to want to follow You.  Why does it appear so hard to want to trust You.  I know how worth it it is.. I do know this.  But I worry sometimes.. I wonder a lot.. what the reason was to make it so hard to want to turn to You.  It's like - nothing good comes without a fight.  Nothing worth it comes without a battle.  So you have this whole section of society that lives a life of what's easy and feels good is the direction they will go.  And that worries me.  I know if it were easy, everyone would do it.  Don't you want everyone to pursue You?  To choose You?  I would?  I find I have lived my life trying to be someone that is easy to love.  I have lived trying to do whatever it takes to make people happy so that people will love me, accept me... want me.  And then when I do something that isn't very accepting.. doesn't feel very loving... even though it is done IN love... it is proven.. that is when anger and bitterness comes forward towards me.  and God I see this with You.  I see how when You do something that - though it is loving - it doesn't "feel" loving.. that is when we become angry and bitter with You.   Why?  Why does it work that way?  I want to figure out a way to make it easy to follow You.  To want to be with You.  and I know You tell me NO.  that isn't the way You want it.  Jesus I fully understand this.  I do.  and it hurts me.  because in the same sense - I don't understand it.  I want to.  I want more for those that don't want more for themselves.  and I hurt for them.  but they don't seem to be hurting.  They seem to chase after that which feels good.. if they don't care - why should I?  but I do.  I can't stop that feeling within in my heart that You put there.  So what am I supposed to do.  There is more.. so much more.. for so many.. and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to get that point across.  I want to know God.  I want to know what it means to love and be loved by You more and more.. and I want to know how to make it so attractive to want to follow You.  I mess up.  I know I mess up.  How to I learn to do what You desire... not me.. not my desires.  God - I want to make You perfect.. and I know You already are perfect.  What am I supposed to do from here?  I mess up.  I'm not perfect.  I know this.  and I know You shine through in my imperfections.

God I don't get it.  I don't get why it has to seem so hard to follow after all that You have in store for us.  I see the greatness that You have to offer.. and yet... again - we are willing to settle for less?  just because it's easier?  Jesus help us to see it isn't better.. help us to see the struggle is worth so much more..

The word I got last night was "trust God in EVERY situation.  There are eternal reasons for temporary trials, so be thankful that your destiny is in God's hands, not in human hands".

God i want to learn to trust You whole heartedly.  Help me to know that no matter what - You are ALWAYS working behind the scenes on our behalf because of the love You have for us... no matter what..

Who am I by Watermark

Over time you’ve healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it’s just enough to cast
A shadow on the wall
Well, I am grateful that you shine your light on me at all

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?

Well, amazing grace how sweet the sound 
That saved a wretch like me 
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song the more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love that’s coming from your hand

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?

Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Amazing love, now flowing down
From hands and feet that were nailed to the tree
His grace flows down and covers me.
(Repeat)

And covers me, and covers me, and covers me, and covers me
And covers me, and covers me, and covers me, and covers me
(with descant- Grace, grace, God's grace)

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?
Lord, who am I, yeah?

What do you want?

Hey God...
what do You want?  What are you expecting?  I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes.  God, I want to do the right thing.  I want to know how I am supposed to handle these things You place in my path.  And yet I mess up.. I mess up so much.  How does that make You feel about me?  What are Your thoughts towards me?  It's like - no matter what I do, I feel like it hurts.. it hurts someone.. or something.. I cause more pain.. take more of Your time.  Confuse the situations more.  God I just wonder why it seems to just flow so easily for some and not for others.  I'm told if you do it right it isn't so hard.

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. ² He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. ³ Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. ⁴ For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. ⁵ “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house,”^[a] bearing witness to what would be spoken by God in the future. ⁶ But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmlyto our confidence and the hope in which we glory. (Hebrews 3:1-6)

God I want Your glory to take place.  I want to see Your glory.  I want to fix my eyes on Your glory.  I want to be in the presence of You and Your glory.  How do I do that.  I find I am having such a hard time quieting my heart and mind to fix and focus on You, God.  I don't want to get wrapped up in trouble... I want to just know You more.  I want to understand Who You are.. I want to know what You desire.. 

I mean truly desire of me... of me and You.  God you know my heart .. my heart to love and be loved.. by You.. and thus in the love I have for You, to love others.. specifically one... and children.. God there is so much I am in true desire of, and I wonder what it is that makes it all so challenging to reach..  

I know I don't give You what You deserve.  I know I fall short so much.  I just want to seek and know you more.  

"You Don't Know Her Like I Do" (Brantley Gilbert)

Hey old friend, thanks for callin'
It's good to know somebody cares
Yeah she's gone, but I don't feel like talkin'
It might be just too much to bear
To hear somebody say it stops hurting
Or to hear somebody say she ain't worth it

'Cause you don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
You don't know we've been through
That girl's my best friend
And there's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do

I can't forget, I'm drowning in these memories
It fills my soul with all the little things
And I can't cope, it's like a death inside the family
It's like she stole my way to breathe
So don't try to tell me I'll stop hurting
And don't try to tell me she ain't worth it

Cause you don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
You don't know we've been through
That girl's my best friend
And there's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do

You don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
You don't know we've been through
That girl's my best friend
There's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
No, you'll never know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do

Not like I do
Never understand
That girl's my best friend
That girl's my best friend
That girl's my best friend.

Choosing to trust..

Oh goodness me..  I didn't realize what it would mean to tell you, no matter what, I choose to trust You.  Yes, part of me knew what I was getting myself into... part of me was excited what You were going to do with such a commitment... and part of me said, "oh boy.. are you sure you are ready for this one?"

God - it is so hard to trust You sometimes... It is so hard to believe that You know what is going on.  It is so hard to know that You are most certainly working behind the scenes on behalf of Your child.  Why is it that I so often feel You don't care about what is going on in my heart and mind.  I know that can't be true.  Not about You.  Not about who I am told to believe You are.  God I want and believe for so much... and I don't fully understand.. I don't fully get why trusting You has to be so hard.  Why is it so hard to just believe that You have so much of our best interest in mind.  It seems like a fairy tale world!  I can believe in the unbelievable, yet believing in YOU wanting nothing but GOOD for ME???  No way.. there is no way that could possibly be true.. Why God.  Why can't I grasp this?  Why can't I fathom how much You love me.  Why can't I believe how much You want to show me Your love through the things that You are working on behind the scenes.

I am amazed that I can believe in love on earth that is not perfect.. as we are not perfect.. yet I have a tough time believing in Your love.. a perfect love.

God, help me to understand Your perfect love.  I want to love more perfectly and I want to see Your love for me.. for me.. for others.  God my heart aches to understand Your perfect love.  I hate the hate that I see in me.  I hate the dark places that exist and I want to love without fault.  I want to love like You love, and I want to be loved by You.