safety...

I am convinced that ALL that You want of us is to come to You.
With our hurts..
with our shames
with our secret sins
with our lies
with our deceit
with our wrongs
with our pain...

I am convinced that if Adam and Eve had gone to You in the garden after they had sinned, they would have seen and known the love and compassion that You have for them, Your beloved.. and would have embraced them in their imperfection.

I am convinced that things would have been different for us all..

I am convinced that the enemy knows the power in us having the freedom to go to You knowing You will embrace us and not be disgusted with us... and so he keeps us in sin... in shame.. in fear of "what will people think of me.  what will God think of me.."

Hence why we live in a world that it is IMPOSSIBLE to not keep a secret from loved ones.  It is too easy to delete that text message, email, or picture.. It is too easy to say we are one place when we are actually another.. it is too easy to set up or arrange a meeting with a friend, temptation, or destruction without anyone knowing or believing that we aren't home, at work, or in bed sleeping alone.

God, how do we get the message across that You will NOT be disappointed, and that You just want us to RUN to You with the things that are making us run FROM You.  How can we make the world see the importance of being real with You and with the people that love us to over come.

Is it possible to say to someone, "I am using drugs again, and I'm not ready to get further help, but because I love you I want to share this with you.  Please stand by me"
or "I am seeing that person again - and I'm sorry it hurts you, but because I love you I need to tell you and ask you to stand by me".
or "I'm talking to him/her behind your back because it makes me feel good.. and I need to know I can trust you to tell you this.. to stand by me".

Am I wrong in this?  Am I expecting people to do the impossible?  God, You call us to great challenges, but when it comes to standing by others, we seem to say - no.. they are on their own.  I have to live my own life and they have to live theirs.

God - I know the verses in the bible that talk about that, but what about the ones that talk about holding each other up.. and accountable.. and helping each other through this life.. that we can't do it alone..

God, help me to have strength, compassion, and understanding for those who want to be free.. want to be real.. and don't want to be judged.  I want to see things fall off of people.. but i feel we can't do it alone..

Help me to understand what YOU want Jesus.

amen..

Memories

When you looked at her did you think of me
Oh how the page has turned.
When you see me there do you wish it could be
The one who's memories can't be burned

Was it my fault because I couldn't hold your attention or your hand
When you see the years and pain on my eyes
Do you want to run or stand

Wondering what kind of love this is
It's as perfect as we are
How to erase the many visions
Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is so hard.

What is love
Why does it hurt so bad
I can imagine this life with you
I remember the life we had

I want to forget the past
Move on without another thought
Can you promise me it will last
Or will u once again get caught.

I see the best in you
Better than you will ever know
But can you see it too
And live a life to show

The better man
That I can see
But wondering
Is it who YOU want to be

Breakdown

Wow. God.
Help

I don't know where to start but I know the pressure is on BIG time. I need help. I need you. I'm hurting something fierce in some areas of my heart. I'm seeing that I'm very very resentful lately of a lot of people. Angry. So much anger. So much frustration. I feel like I have pussy footed around for so long trying to make everyone happy. And frankly I'm sick of it. It really doesn't matter bc in the end you get slapped anyway. No one appreciates it. The support. The encouragement. You are left wondering why someone says or does something so hurtful. After all the time of trying to love support encourage uplift and do what you thought was right. God I feel so much pressure. So many areas. Family. Relationships. Work. Church. Personally. I just want to explode constantly. What is happening in me? I don't like it. AT ALL. I need help. I need your eyes. I need your grace and mercy. I need to know you. I need to depend on you. Yet I don't even know how right now. God I'm hurting so bad inside. What's going on? Can you help calm my anxious heart?

Daddy, fix it

My prayer. My constant prayer to Him is "Daddy fix it" 

I don't feel a lil girl needs to beg her Daddy
I don't think a daddy ever wants his lil girl to beg..

I'm not asking God for anything that's not good for me. But I keep asking Him... Daddy fix it. And I don't understand why in response I feel I have to struggle so bad with doing my part. I don't want microwave miracles. I don't want to run from anything. I just want pure honest open hearted child like faith. I see things that r enough to move mountains. And I see things that end up being a stick of dynamite in an attempt to blow the mountain up. 

The bible says to come to Him to present our requests. To have faith as small as a mustard seed to believe and not doubt to surrender to hold on to trust and to let go. I feel I have done all of the above. So I come to Him in child like faith. In humble surrender and say fix it. And I don't understand how a Daddy can make His  lil girl wonder. Question. Doubt. And live in fear. 

I have been walking w Bella around Hudson valley after leaving mom and dads and i just feel overwhelmed and pulled all over. And all I keep saying is Daddy fix it. 

As a father. If I come to my dad and ask him that? Wont he do whatever he can? 

I know I'm not perfect.  And one thing He showed me the other day that I have never understood or been able to grasp is no matter what. No matter what. My child. Don't EVER stop coming to Me again. No matter how wrong u feel. No matter how much u feel off course. No matter how shamed of who u are or the choices u make. Don't ever stop coming to Me. I think there is something to be said about Adam and eve hiding from Him in the garden bc of their shame. I wonder if maybe.. Maybe if they had gone to Him  w their "oops". Maybe things would have been different. Who knows. But i feel like He just wants us to come to Him. No matter what. And the world runs from Him bc we are so ashamed of who we are or what we have become. And the enemy keeps us ashamed bc he knows that as soon as we turn back to our Daddy his words mean nothing. We feel we are doomed.

So sI come to Him. Even in my wrongs. And I ask him as a daughter... Daddy fix it. Fix my broken heart. My messed up mind. Fix the man that I care about so deeply, yet it isn't "clicking" with enough to want to whole heartedly REFUSE all that has ruined his life for so long..i know he is seeking.. i know he is striving.. i know he is trying.. in his own strength.. can't you just break through?... Fix my daddy. Fix my mommy. Fix this situation we are in. Daddy. Fix it. Show me how to let You fix it. Bc my heart hurts Daddy and I want U to fix it. Fix all of it. I think all of the above are willing but no one seems to know what You are willing to do. 

Daddy, fix it. 

numb

numb..
my heart is numb.
Trying hard to be stronger
Don't know how much longer
I can take it

afraid to do one thing
or say another

hold on tight?
or let go forever

Wondering why the only one who can't see is him
wondering why he can't see the place that he's in

wanting to stand by his side
but knowing he will never open his eyes

hurting knowing he's hurting
and hurting from the choices he makes

Messing up in my attempts
to teach this man about grace

aching...
my heart is aching..
standing firm through the words
embracing the hurt
yet making things worse.

Wanting to be
an example of mercy

of strength and dignity
of love and forgiveness

but sometimes people are too blind
sometimes people don't take the time

hoping i can hold his hand into Yours
wanting to know that he feels safe and sure
afraid for him to fall
to not have anyone to call

the things i see when i close my eyes torment me in my sleep
the things i feel when i open my heart now run so deep
want to let go
giving it all that i've got
but him bringing more in
erases all i forgot

Help..
God Help
I want to show him so bad
You.. not me.. but I'm afraid of how he gets mad

i want to release him to you
I want to hold on to him too
not for my gain
but to ease his pain
and why doesn't he get it

i know what i have
i know who i am
but hearing these things
again and again

robbing me more
or making me stronger
how will i be able
to embrace this much longer

when will he see
what he means to me
when will he see
how easy it can be
god teach him how
to finally be free

does he know deep down
can he see inside my heart
can you make him realize
knowing his pain tears me apart

"you don't understand
what I feel inside"
i hear it again
and it kills me inside

I do understand
i hurt for you too
but I can't let
you do this to you..

I love you.. i care.. i hope for the best
i'm wondering when i have to lay it to rest

Afraid

Afraid to love again My heart had once been broken in two I look back and I think- how could I have thought his love was true? How could I have allowed myself to be used, allowed him to make me feel so much pain, become afraid to love again...? But then you came into my life. I couldn't help falling in love. I never loved anyone this way before . this love that we share means so much more But, yet I'm still hesitant to let you into my heart, afraid you'll just take it all apart. Tears rolling down my eyes, hoping, praying that what you're telling me aren't lies, hoping I can read between the lines. I'm contemplating whether your love is real 'cuz it's hard to tell the way someone really feels. I'm afraid to let you in my life, afraid to love again. yet, i still let you in... ©2007-Eternity

When there is none of me... There is more of you.

God how long.. How long must this heart have to break. Have to hurt. Have to live in fear. God where are you. Do you know and understand my aching heart. How badly I want to be free. How much I want to be justified. How much I want others to see. How much I want especially one to see. When do you break through. I have tried to get out of the way. And I've tried to be there. Jesus help me. I don't know how to make him see my heart. I don't know how to do anything right anymore. God I mess up so so much and I admit that. God I want you. I want more of you. I want more of who you are and less of me. I'm so scared of me. There is none of me left and I crave and so desire you to come and fill me. Come and fill me god. Come and fill me with your life. Your love. Your strength. God come and fill me wholly with you. Let this be something of great glory to you. From glory to glory. I don't wana be fake anymore. I don't wana be empty anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. God I simply want so much more of you. I want to be a reflection of you and who you are. In a way unlike any other. God I want my love for you and my relationship with you to literally pour out to break strongholds just by me being me through and with you. I don't feel called to casts out demons by screaming at people but I feel led to love people with your love and grace and mercy and by such an outpouring of you, people will want more of you. Jesus.... Be the you in me that you want the world to see.