safety...

I am convinced that ALL that You want of us is to come to You.
With our hurts..
with our shames
with our secret sins
with our lies
with our deceit
with our wrongs
with our pain...

I am convinced that if Adam and Eve had gone to You in the garden after they had sinned, they would have seen and known the love and compassion that You have for them, Your beloved.. and would have embraced them in their imperfection.

I am convinced that things would have been different for us all..

I am convinced that the enemy knows the power in us having the freedom to go to You knowing You will embrace us and not be disgusted with us... and so he keeps us in sin... in shame.. in fear of "what will people think of me.  what will God think of me.."

Hence why we live in a world that it is IMPOSSIBLE to not keep a secret from loved ones.  It is too easy to delete that text message, email, or picture.. It is too easy to say we are one place when we are actually another.. it is too easy to set up or arrange a meeting with a friend, temptation, or destruction without anyone knowing or believing that we aren't home, at work, or in bed sleeping alone.

God, how do we get the message across that You will NOT be disappointed, and that You just want us to RUN to You with the things that are making us run FROM You.  How can we make the world see the importance of being real with You and with the people that love us to over come.

Is it possible to say to someone, "I am using drugs again, and I'm not ready to get further help, but because I love you I want to share this with you.  Please stand by me"
or "I am seeing that person again - and I'm sorry it hurts you, but because I love you I need to tell you and ask you to stand by me".
or "I'm talking to him/her behind your back because it makes me feel good.. and I need to know I can trust you to tell you this.. to stand by me".

Am I wrong in this?  Am I expecting people to do the impossible?  God, You call us to great challenges, but when it comes to standing by others, we seem to say - no.. they are on their own.  I have to live my own life and they have to live theirs.

God - I know the verses in the bible that talk about that, but what about the ones that talk about holding each other up.. and accountable.. and helping each other through this life.. that we can't do it alone..

God, help me to have strength, compassion, and understanding for those who want to be free.. want to be real.. and don't want to be judged.  I want to see things fall off of people.. but i feel we can't do it alone..

Help me to understand what YOU want Jesus.

amen..

Memories

When you looked at her did you think of me
Oh how the page has turned.
When you see me there do you wish it could be
The one who's memories can't be burned

Was it my fault because I couldn't hold your attention or your hand
When you see the years and pain on my eyes
Do you want to run or stand

Wondering what kind of love this is
It's as perfect as we are
How to erase the many visions
Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is so hard.

What is love
Why does it hurt so bad
I can imagine this life with you
I remember the life we had

I want to forget the past
Move on without another thought
Can you promise me it will last
Or will u once again get caught.

I see the best in you
Better than you will ever know
But can you see it too
And live a life to show

The better man
That I can see
But wondering
Is it who YOU want to be

Breakdown

Wow. God.
Help

I don't know where to start but I know the pressure is on BIG time. I need help. I need you. I'm hurting something fierce in some areas of my heart. I'm seeing that I'm very very resentful lately of a lot of people. Angry. So much anger. So much frustration. I feel like I have pussy footed around for so long trying to make everyone happy. And frankly I'm sick of it. It really doesn't matter bc in the end you get slapped anyway. No one appreciates it. The support. The encouragement. You are left wondering why someone says or does something so hurtful. After all the time of trying to love support encourage uplift and do what you thought was right. God I feel so much pressure. So many areas. Family. Relationships. Work. Church. Personally. I just want to explode constantly. What is happening in me? I don't like it. AT ALL. I need help. I need your eyes. I need your grace and mercy. I need to know you. I need to depend on you. Yet I don't even know how right now. God I'm hurting so bad inside. What's going on? Can you help calm my anxious heart?