Oh goodness me.. I didn't realize what it would mean to tell you, no matter what, I choose to trust You. Yes, part of me knew what I was getting myself into... part of me was excited what You were going to do with such a commitment... and part of me said, "oh boy.. are you sure you are ready for this one?"
God - it is so hard to trust You sometimes... It is so hard to believe that You know what is going on. It is so hard to know that You are most certainly working behind the scenes on behalf of Your child. Why is it that I so often feel You don't care about what is going on in my heart and mind. I know that can't be true. Not about You. Not about who I am told to believe You are. God I want and believe for so much... and I don't fully understand.. I don't fully get why trusting You has to be so hard. Why is it so hard to just believe that You have so much of our best interest in mind. It seems like a fairy tale world! I can believe in the unbelievable, yet believing in YOU wanting nothing but GOOD for ME??? No way.. there is no way that could possibly be true.. Why God. Why can't I grasp this? Why can't I fathom how much You love me. Why can't I believe how much You want to show me Your love through the things that You are working on behind the scenes.
I am amazed that I can believe in love on earth that is not perfect.. as we are not perfect.. yet I have a tough time believing in Your love.. a perfect love.
God, help me to understand Your perfect love. I want to love more perfectly and I want to see Your love for me.. for me.. for others. God my heart aches to understand Your perfect love. I hate the hate that I see in me. I hate the dark places that exist and I want to love without fault. I want to love like You love, and I want to be loved by You.
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