I'm wondering why it appears so hard to want to follow You. Why does it appear so hard to want to trust You. I know how worth it it is.. I do know this. But I worry sometimes.. I wonder a lot.. what the reason was to make it so hard to want to turn to You. It's like - nothing good comes without a fight. Nothing worth it comes without a battle. So you have this whole section of society that lives a life of what's easy and feels good is the direction they will go. And that worries me. I know if it were easy, everyone would do it. Don't you want everyone to pursue You? To choose You? I would? I find I have lived my life trying to be someone that is easy to love. I have lived trying to do whatever it takes to make people happy so that people will love me, accept me... want me. And then when I do something that isn't very accepting.. doesn't feel very loving... even though it is done IN love... it is proven.. that is when anger and bitterness comes forward towards me. and God I see this with You. I see how when You do something that - though it is loving - it doesn't "feel" loving.. that is when we become angry and bitter with You. Why? Why does it work that way? I want to figure out a way to make it easy to follow You. To want to be with You. and I know You tell me NO. that isn't the way You want it. Jesus I fully understand this. I do. and it hurts me. because in the same sense - I don't understand it. I want to. I want more for those that don't want more for themselves. and I hurt for them. but they don't seem to be hurting. They seem to chase after that which feels good.. if they don't care - why should I? but I do. I can't stop that feeling within in my heart that You put there. So what am I supposed to do. There is more.. so much more.. for so many.. and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to get that point across. I want to know God. I want to know what it means to love and be loved by You more and more.. and I want to know how to make it so attractive to want to follow You. I mess up. I know I mess up. How to I learn to do what You desire... not me.. not my desires. God - I want to make You perfect.. and I know You already are perfect. What am I supposed to do from here? I mess up. I'm not perfect. I know this. and I know You shine through in my imperfections.
God I don't get it. I don't get why it has to seem so hard to follow after all that You have in store for us. I see the greatness that You have to offer.. and yet... again - we are willing to settle for less? just because it's easier? Jesus help us to see it isn't better.. help us to see the struggle is worth so much more..
The word I got last night was "trust God in EVERY situation. There are eternal reasons for temporary trials, so be thankful that your destiny is in God's hands, not in human hands".
God i want to learn to trust You whole heartedly. Help me to know that no matter what - You are ALWAYS working behind the scenes on our behalf because of the love You have for us... no matter what..
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