Eclipse

Hey God...

it's me again..

God I want to know.. do You really know my heart?  Like really really?  I struggle so much with my mess ups.  I do.. and I hate it.. I hate those parts about me.  I know I am human.  I know I am nothing without You.  I KNOW my heart and motives.. but do You?  Do You know the times I think I get in over my head?  Do You know the times when I do the wrong thing, hoping it will bring about the right outcome?  Do You know how much my desire to please and make people happy sometimes causes an "oops".. sometimes causes You to be disappointed?  I am so sorry.  I don't mean to hurt You - or anyone.. ANYONE.. especially those that I love.  I so badly want to do the right thing.. and I so often get so mixed up.  and I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry to You.  I'm sorry to them.  One thing I know for certain is that I don't lack in the area of admitting my wrongs (even when I'm not wrong) and saying sorry.  I say sorry so much I get yelled at for it, and then I apologize for saying sorry.  God I want to be pure.  I want that pure heart to shine through.  I want You.  I hate how I've messed up.  and I hate how the enemy holds that over my head.  even when i know the whole situation.  even when I know You.. even when I know we worked through it - You forgave me.  You redeemed me.. You let it go.  Why do I still hold onto it.  Sometimes the voices.. the things I heard stating that I did this or that.. even when I know they aren't the truth.. sometimes they come on so strong.  so loud.. even when I know in my heart that I have loved the best I could.  even when I know nothing I have done has made a difference.. God help me to believe that through it.. through my mistakes and through my victories.. that You will shine through..

God it is so hard sometimes to wonder why the pain and suffering has to come from making a choice to trust You.  I know You understand this in the sacrifice of Your Son.  I can't even imagine - knowing the suffering we experience is so minor in comparison.  But God, I want to CHOOSE to trust that Romans 8:28 is true.. when You said that ALL things .. ALL things.. work together for the GOOD of THOSE THAT LOVE YOU.  God - I am trying.. and I am believing.  and I want ALL of that to be a reflection of You.  I want to trust that like mom and I said yesterday... the light that shines FROM You IN me is just that.. it's You.. God sometimes you ask us to step out of the way so that YOUR light can be revealed... it's almost as if we are a solar eclipse.. we stand in the way of the "Son".  and the Son shining around the moon is in fact brilliant, but it is so minor in comparison to the true shine of the Son. and God - as hard as it is to come to terms with knowing we have to get out of the way - God I ask that YOUR light shines true and through.  I thank You for always standing behind, beside, and near to me.. and I thank You for the times when You say.. ok Ang.. I need to shine through to this one now.. I need to show My light... and I need You to step out.. for your good.. for My good.. and for the good of those You love..

God help us to trust You more.. in our victories and in our mistakes.. please..